Not Quite Faking the Funk

Posted: February 3, 2013 in General
Tags: , , , ,

I have found it hard to write about anything lately.  It is not that there has been a lack of material, especially things that have irked me, I just have not had much of a mind as of late to put things down into the written word.  I started this blog a year ago to give me a bit of an outlet to vent and maybe help me put some things into perspective.  I have found that from time to time, as I try to organize things into words and paragraphs that I often gain a bit of clarity.  It is a bit cathartic for me to be able to move something from thought to point.  It is rather irrelevant in most regards whether or not my opinion is correct, new or even thought provoking for whoever is reading it.  In this regard I have been moderately successful in achieving what I set out to when I put this together.

I have had a few tangible impacts in my writing over the last year; a few of my articles have truly reached a few people and had a very positive benefit.  A few more of my articles have gotten repeated views over the year, even long after they were posted.  Not a day goes by that I do not get at least a few views on my Stolen Valor Act articles or my semi-regular bashing of the WBC.  I am generally top page on Google and Bing in regards to both of those topics.

I have been sitting in quite the funk for the last couple of months.  Initially, I did not even notice it.  I did my job from day to day; life went on so to speak and I did not really have reason to notice it.  As we moved into the holiday season I started to realize that something was not quite right.  I blew that off as a little bit of depression over the fact that we had moved the family out to western NC in lieu of my retirement in just a couple of years.  We had a good plan that would allow everyone to be nice and settled by the time I finally punch out without the need to uproot everyone last minute.  In that regard everything was pretty good other than some lonely nights with just me and the dogs.  I still go out there as often as possible, it is only a couple of hours drive.  I get the benefit of being in the place I want to be when I retire.

Cutting to the chase a little bit, I do not want to bore anyone with the minutiae that led me to what I have recently concluded, I very recently realized what has been weighing on my mind and casting a shadow over my brain for a little while now.  Essentially, I am getting old.  Even more recently, like this weekend, I decided that I am not going to grow old gracefully.

In the grand scheme of things I realize that I am not that old.  I will be 43 in just a couple of months, and in this day and age that is about the equivalent of…43.  In the environment that I have immersed myself in for close to the last 2 decades I am definitely approaching the geriatric age.  My knees hurt, my back hurts, I have aches and pains in places that I do not even use, at least not consciously anyhow.  In all reality what has been laying this black cloud of despair upon my head is that I grew  very comfortable in what I have been doing and instead of having days filled with the physical and unpredictable, I embraced my new job a little too well.  My new job was supposed to be a twilight job, challenging yet more or less programmatic.  It has been that, but in pursuit of learning it, I embraced that daily grind without ever taking the time I used to take to make my life mine.  In fact it has been some time, even before I started this particular job since I have applied myself in the same way I had in years past, the way that allowed me to get to where I am today.

I have actually committed the cardinal sin in my career field, I have been resting on my laurels.  There have been moments of true awesomeness.  I still have enough remnants of my formerly huge ego to admit that some pretty awesome things have happened that I have been a part of or contributed to.  Those times in between, however, I have allowed myself to ride that wave without really continuing to grow.   Those times of awesomeness have gotten fewer and farther between over the last few years and like a parent in total denial of how their child is acting in public, I turned a blind eye to how I have been simply maintaining rather than seeking improvement.

I am not so disciplined in life that I will just shout out to the world that starting today all that is going to change.  That would probably be the most hypocritical thing I could say.  Simply writing this post is to me an acknowledgement that the fog has lifted a little bit behind my eyes.  Honestly for the first time in quite a while my mind feels pretty clear and I do not feel like I have a dense, heavy weight sitting there.  I am sure there could be some other deep psychological reason, hell maybe even a physiological on, for how I have been feeling.  The only term I can come up with is a depression of some sort, what kind or what the root cause is, who knows.  I just know how I have affected myself by letting things fester in my own head.  We are our own worst enemies when it comes to us.

I am not going to just jump into some extreme physical training regimen in order to get the feel good chemicals flowing into the brain.  I have a feeling at my age a quick jump into punishing the body will result in some more of those crazy pains that you have to be a sadist to imagine and I can bet that would not do too much good for how to get back to being me.  I do know, however, the things I used to do that made me sharp and helped me get to the top of my game.  A slow, methodical approach that shows regular improvement is what got me there before and where I need to get back to now.  I have always needed to work hard for physical milestones and I will just have to get back to doing so now.

For right now, I am going to enjoy the easy feeling floating through my brain pan that simply writing this has given me.  Time to kick back and enjoy the Super Bowl, something else I have not done in quite some time.  Hopefully, this will lead back to me writing again on a more regular basis.  Thanks for listening.

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