Facebookus Interruptus

Posted: July 13, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

In a startling case towards proving that the movie Idiocracy is fast becoming a blueprint for the future of society, a recent Harris Interactive poll has determined that approximately 20% US smartphone owners between the ages of 18 and 34 are using them during sex with their partner(s?).  Even more startling is that an estimated 1 in 10 persons above that age group is doing exactly the same thing.

Ever since the ease of use of the personal computer has made it easier for those who would otherwise be stuck in a basement, to anonymously conduct liaisons worthy legend status in the virtual realm, people have been leveraging technological advances to further expand our population base.  After all, it is illegal to lie on the internet, right?  Since the early days of dial-up and AOL, gullible fuckers of all gender, have been falling prey to the, and following through with Liaisons Dangerous in pursuit of satisfying the sexual needs.

As we have progressed through time and the technology has gotten better, faster and become available anytime, any place, foreplay has moved from the stumbling, eager actions prior to the most AWESOME thing a man can experience (I am only going to speak for my gender on this particular point 🙂 ), to adding a new dimension to the thrill of the chase.  There are numerous applications using your mobile device that will allow you to find your next hook-up.  Once you find them now you have the camera and video capability to further sell yourself to your perspective partner or partners on how you intend to achieve body trembling bliss. 

***MARRIAGE SAVING DISCLAIMER*** I am adding some supposition and using my imagination here as the last time I was one of the vaunted hunters of the village I had to meet my beautiful wife in person and actually convince her face to face as to why we would make beautiful babies together.

Not one of us is immune to a little mind wondering or chess matching the next smooth moves we plan to subject our partner to while creating the two-backed beast.  This is simply human nature.  India put together the Karma Sutra as a read ahead a few thousand years ago, but unless you have an eidetic memory, with total recall while subjecting you and your partners body to the wonders and pleasures produced while attempting the Stand and Carry, you are going to have to figure out how to safely extricate yourself from something human bodies were never designed to accomplish under normal conditions.

So, here is what I think is going on in this disturbing turn of events in our evolutionary process.  First, men I am going to bust out our gender a little bit.  Smart, Mobile technology has allowed our gender to fulfill our base desires, the need to propagate the species while making sure that the market has performed as we predicted.  Nothing decreases interest for a man in this day and age like Wall Street Erectile Dysfunction.

Women, here we go with you guys now.  Based on the prevalence and billions in sales of Soccer Mom porn (think 50 Shades of anything not currently dripping sweat on you) I would suspect that your mobile technology is being used to put your mind in a place anywhere other than where it is at the time.  Nothing wrong here ladies with a little imagination,  you just need to remember if all of us guys looked like Channing Tatum then he would not be the image in your head pushing you over the edge.  So please, for the sake of our fragile male egos use him sparingly.

So what is this poll all about?  Is it the downfall of society or is it moving us closer to the sexual proclivities of the characters in the movie Demolition Man?  (In Demolition Man, people do not actually have sex to procreate because the exchange of bodily fluids non-hygenic and people achieve sexual gratification through overwhelming imagery delivered through virtual reality) I do not really know.  I suspect it has something to do with the increasing laziness of our society and the overall dispassionate way that we live from day to day.  Our attention spans are getting shorter, don’t believe me, Twitter is 144 characters at a time, Vine gives you less time to make a video than a bull rider is required to hang on, and the saving grace of Instagram video gives you a studly 15 seconds to prove your worth.

It is a shame that in this day and age, when we have moved so far away from Puritanical reasons for procreation that we cannot “check out” a little bit when we are testing the mattress springs.  Your partner deserves your attention, the market can wait, there is no reason for a status update right in the middle, and lets be honest in this day and age of nothing ever, EVER, being capable of being deleted from the internet, do you really want to risk those pics or video wanting to get out there?  Tommy Lee and Pam had the assets and the market to allow their oopsies to benefit them, but for us working shlubs it could be truly detrimental when a perspective boss can find graphic evidence of our personal lives.

Turn off your phones America and turn on your partner.  I promise you will not be disappointed if you dedicate just a fraction of your touch to their care as opposed to starting an app.  Pay a little more attention to your significant other rather than your social network and you cannot go wrong.

 

 

 

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