New Jersey Drivers Survival Guide

Here is a little humor a friend sent me about us drivers who learned our skills on the Turnpike, Garden State Parkway, 22, 78, 81, 1&9 or the multitude of other high-speed lanes of death that blanket the Garden State.  No matter how true these may be, I have never been as scared as I get as when it snows down here in the Tarheel state.  Hell, even a good rain makes for an interesting trip.

Enjoy!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unwritten Jersey driving rules Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ: A horn and a middle finger. Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you are going. For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may come as no surprise. For those who haven’t traveled there before, Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid………. Be Very Afraid.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork – rhymes with Fork, not New-ark. Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Trent-in.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it’s 105 or 110. Anything less is considered “Sissy..”(Just ask the former Governor of NJ)

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth and Ocean counties, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. EVER ! Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey … Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.

9. MapQuest does NOT work here – none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time – just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

A Worthy Quest

Disclaimer:  This particular post is meant to be a humorous retort to the results of a recently released scientific study.  Here is a link to the original article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/19/g-spot-does-not-exist_n_1215822.html.  No malice is meant in the writing of the post.

One of the more interesting scientific studies that published its finding within the last couple of weeks revolves around proving or in this case disproving the existence of the sexual unicorn known as the G-Spot.  According to the findings of a joint Israeli/American research team, after studying the conclusions of 96 different published studies, they conclude “without a doubt that the discreet anatomical entity known as the G-spot does not exist”.

I know, I know, since Dr. Grafenburg identified the possibility of a tiny location located within a woman’s nether regions in 1950, man (the species in this case not the gender), has been on a quest to find and positively identify the location and physiological make-up of the King Solomon’s mines of sexual gratification.  Much like the location of the Fountain of Youth, the elusive G-Spot has a general area which all or most (being generous here, I know) seem to be able to identify, but pinpointing the precise location seems to constantly fall short (no pun intended).  Perhaps it simply only shows its true self when a precise amount of variables come together to form the perfect storm of sexual bliss and all parties involved are too distracted at the precise moment to be able to positively identify the point from which all things intensify.

If you think about it for a moment the truly interesting part of the article is the magnitude of ways this has been studied and yet it is still not a proven.  Science as a matter of course, because it cannot precisely identify the location is saying it does not exist, but not all scientists just those who can get published.  As a matter of course, it could be all the scientific sterility of the testing that did not allow scientists to collect the data needed for proving or disproving the existence.  This could relate back to my earlier statement about when/how the precise variables can come together.  After all, this is the human body we are talking about and considering we know only a fraction of what the brain is truly capable of, why should it surprise anyone that a spot purportedly the size of a postage stamp located within a woman is not easily found and identified?

Man (the gender this time) in all his pursuits and talks of sexual prowess at best in any given time cannot say with 100% certainty that he can identify and stimulate the G-spot of a woman or multiple women.  Physiologically speaking we all have the same general layout, but the precise location of any given point as well as the sensitivity, composition or any of a thousand other variable can be radically different from person to person.  Women, generally speaking are much more in tune with their bodies than men are.  Given the attention they need to pay to personal parts, they are much better educated in what to look for, they even have a medical field dedicated specifically to female health which they begin at a very early age in life.  Medical fields that deal specifically with male parts, other than rare exception, are most often for males as we approach middle age.

In the quest for all things knowledge, man (the species again) has taken the fruits of the intimacy between two (or more) beings and tried to study it in a clinical, sterile manner.  I can hardly imagine being able to replicate with 100% accuracy the intimacy it takes in an environment with people monitoring you like a sexual guinea pig, never mind inside the loud, claustrophobic confines of an MRI machine.  Somewhere the brain has to draw an unconscious line between the true freedom only an individual can feel and what amounts to a performance to the scientific community.  Even the most narcissistic and exhibitionist of people have to have some sort of separation.  What is the old scientific maxim, something along the lines of simply watching an experiment is affecting the outcome.

There is much more research that can and should be done.  Ladies, you are the only ones who can honestly say with a definitive yea or nay what the outcome should be.  After all, men just do not have the ability.  Despite our claims to fame, we simply fall short in this endeavor (pun intended this time).  And, lets face it, you really do not need us in order to make an informed decision.  We as a species could be what is holding back the scientific community form being able to identify this phenomenon. The truth as they say is in your hands.